The work of amends
Once upon a time, I made an effort to correct a laundry list of bad decisions I made that affected others.
I called people and wrote letters. I consulted with friends to check my motivations. Almost always there was a conversation with the person where I explained why I was calling and asking how I can make amends. I view this as part of finally growing up and developing character. Each time was a humbling and life-changing experience. Boy, did I not want to do it. But I am grateful I did.
I still do this, even though the party is no longer around. Here is an example.
The kid I became
I was thinking back to my high school days. It was a complicated time for me and my family.
I started high school as a member of gifted and talented programs and was recommended for AP classes. My freshman year allowed me to make friends with students from other middle schools, and I tried to become more involved in sports and grow my social circle.
I failed at this in spectacular fashion. I can look back and come up with reasons, but I don't want to go into them here. Within a year or two, I became someone I never thought I would be, and was full of regret and shame.
The truth was, I wasn't cutting it in my AP classes, and I didn't know what to do. I probably could have worked harder in a thousand different ways, but I was 15 and didn't know how. I was ashamed and embarrassed and felt like a failure around my friends who were getting good grades, were better at sports, or were more popular with girls.
So I ditched them. I joined a friend group that I felt would accept me, and I did my best to fit in. I started smoking cigarettes (and more), thereby alienating myself from my old friend group. When I started high school, I was quiet and funny. But I soon became a wise-ass. I cut classes, spoke back to teachers, and spent many hours smoking in the boys' room.
As insolent and disruptive as I was, underneath, I was scared and angry. Mostly at myself. But my actions spoke loudly: I was a pretty rotten kid to my teachers.
So, 30-something years later, I wrote a letter to them, to apologize. I didn't mail it. I read it to a friend, a former teacher. And I felt better. I felt free of the guilt. I have done this many times over the years, when I realize I was dwelling on when I fell short.
What amends really means
Making amends doesn't always require another person. It requires humility, a willingness to change, and daily effort to do so. In fact, it's not always appropriate to barge into people's lives to settle your own issues. The real goal is to accept your failings, forgive yourself and move on.
Struggling with shame or regret? Let's work together to help you break free from emotional self-repression and express what's actually true for you.