Tech can be a maze of personality problems. People with vastly different levels of experience are thrown together. Rarely has anyone had any management training. When I worked in other industries, I never saw the level of chaos as I do in tech. Tech is far from the meritocracy it strives to be.
It's not you.
When I struggled, someone I trust told me that. They said, "X company has never been good at Y." It was a weight off my back. Sometimes organizations have deeply embedded dysfunction that was there befor you got there and will be there after you are gone. Recognizing this isn't making excuses; it's acknowledging reality so you can stop burning yourself out trying to fix what was never yours to fix.
Ok, it might be you.
OK, but we still have our own side of the street to keep clean. Our work relationships are very much tied to our financial security. So even when it's not our fault, we have to learn to exist in the world. We also can't be doormats. The uncomfortable truth is that sometimes our reactions to dysfunction become part of the problem. Not the root cause, but a contributing factor.
Here are three ways to exist in the tech world. Consider putting them in place before you are at your wit's end:
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Foster positive relationships strategically. Find them and seek them out. Build a solid internal, cross-functional network of people you mostly see eye-to-eye with. It's not a clique, it's a network—cliques exclude, networks connect. This takes deliberate effort: schedule regular coffee chats, offer help before being asked, and show up for people even when you don't need anything from them.
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Validate your experience without spiraling into gossip. If everyone in the room seems like an asshole, maybe the asshole is you. That's actually good news, because the only person you have full control over is you. When you need reality checks, ask specific questions about challenges working with someone problematic: "Have you found effective ways to communicate with X about deadlines?" But leave it at that. Information gathering, not building a toxic, inneffective relationship, just for fleeting validation.
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When it's not you, don't force it. Put distance in toxic relationships proactively. Stop trying to win over that person who clearly doesn't respect your boundaries. Communicate in writing and keep the receipts. Keep interactions professional but minimal. Your energy is finite. Invest it where it can actually make a difference.
The bottom line
Not every workplace problem has a solution, and not every solution requires your participation. Sometimes "trying everything" means recognizing when to stop trying to change what won't change and instead focus on what you can control: your responses, your network, and your boundaries. The goal isn't to fix tech's chaos. It's to navigate it without losing yourself in the process.